Location: Happily ever after

So I realize I have become a bit fixated on sappy love and happiness stuff of late, but it tends to be at the forefront of my conscience.Today marks the 5 year anniversary of our wedded lives so I am feeling sappy and nostalgic. Deal with it!

I continue to be amazed at the phenomenon that I have touched on previously. That being that no matter how 'on top of it' or 'in touch' you think you are, life has a funny way of showing you that you haven't got a clue.

When I look back at my relationship with my wife I am impressed with how it grows. Five years is sort of modest, yet in one sense it is also pretty impressive (given the divorce rate and quickie marriages).

I love how strong our bond is, and even though we have been together for 8 years (3 dating, 1 engaged, 5 married) we still love to spend time together.We are blessed to be best friends as well as partners. Seems like even given the vast amount of time spent together we can still come up with things to do and talk about. However, there are still things about my wife I may never know or understand.

If someone were to ask me, and I know you didn't, 'what's the secret to a happy marriage post honeymoon phase?' I would say a big part of it is this: effort. Both have to be willing to put in the work. You have to try hard to keep things fresh and interesting. Don't be afraid to try new things, reach out, demand the best, and most importantly know what you want and expect.

Anyone who read my semi-auto biography knows that years ago I learned it is impossible to be part of a successful couple until you can be a successful you. Until you know who you are.

All couples eb and flow. We have our ups and downs, and raising a daughter, while incredibly rewarding and worthwhile, makes it infinitely harder. But in those struggles you are reminded of what is most important to you and you work that much harder. Push for better.

I guess what I am saying is nothing goes according to plan. Even the best laid plans of mice and men go astray as John Steinbeck would remind us. But if you are willing to work hard you can end up with more than you ever dreamed possible.

A big key to a marriage is the ability to sit and talk for hours about nothing...or sit for hours and not talk. You each need to have your own interests and be able to just be content by being together.

I am no expert, and even though my wife calls me 'Dr. Phil' I am just drawing conclusions and sharing what is on my mind.

I can assure you though that no matter who you are, or what length relationship you are in, success starts with you. Resolve today to strive for more, it is never too late and you deserve it!

(Editors note: This was written at a bar after drinks with no spell check on a cell phone. Take it for what its worth!)

Randomness

Well, I have been certainly peppering this blog with posts lately. Seems I have renewed my zest. Here are a couple of thoughts I have this morning, in no particular order:

Jon & Kate + 8 = Does not add up. I am so sick of hearing about this family. At least they have taken the nations eyes off of the Octomom for a minute, but stop peppering me with the 'Drama' of the supposedly failing marriage between two people that never seemed to like each other very much anyway. Seriously, have you ever seen them? He is a bumbling idiot, and she has very little tolerance for him.

Now here is my problem, they are crying that the TV show is ruining their lives and invading their privacy. What? You seemed happy as a clam to let them in when the marriage was 'working' and don't tell me the $70k per episode they are paying you is not helping you swallow this bitter pill. By my count, they are well into the $4 million dollar range already, enough to end the show and raise all 8 kids comfortably for the rest of their lives.

It always grinds me when b-list, reality 'star' celebs start crying that their shows are ruining their lives. What did you expect? Having even one child puts a strain on even the strongest relationships, let alone multiple sets of multiples. Now you want to toss in some cameras and allow the world to watch? Have you never seen another reality show and how messed up the people are after it ends? Smells of greed and made up drama to me. Did I mention that the season premier drew a record audience once people heard that Jon was supposedly stepping out on poor Kate? Hmmmmm.....

If you really care, end the show, kick out the cameras and heal the wounds of your relationship. As always, my biggest concern with these types is that they are hurting the kids by being so reckless, but luckily these kids are young enough and seem to be enjoying themselves so there should not be any long term pain. That is unless the couple splits...divorce can get ugly. Who gets the 16 passenger van?

Next, I see that President Barrack Obama has made an appeal to the Muslim world to 'Start over'. He suggests that people the world over stand up and confront the radical extremists. While I applaud the president in his efforts, and I believe we really need some world collaboration against terror, I just don't see any sort of peaceful or short end to this problem.

The biggest issue is this; the terrorists are not asking for anything. That's right, they don't want land, they don't want money, they don't even want an apology. They just want to kill all infidels. How do you 'confront' that? What do you say to someone who has repeatedly demonstrated a willingness to kill you and or die trying? Confronting them is a good way to get dead, and getting dead will seriously hamper your efforts to end terrorism. Seems to me the only way to handle them is with the business end of a stealth drone aircraft armed with smart stingers...

Ah ha! Therein lies the problem then! When we kill them, we stoop to their level and prove their point. Our aggression only serves to strengthen their resolve and bolster their recruiting. This needs to be a smart war waged with diplomatic cunning and economic crushings (ie; cut off the money supply to the terrorists).

I do think that most people have incorrectly and unfairly labeled the Muslim world. It is not the Muslims as a whole who are doing this, but a relatively small subset of militant extremists devoid of logic and compassion. Don't judge the group based on the actions of a few.

I wish our Prez the best of luck, but he has a tall order.

...cold drink in hand

Part II of our vacation...

We hit Ft. Lauderdale beach at night for some drinks on the beach. While driving down the avenue before dark I remarked how it was too bad we would not be seeing a sunset. Kristy remarked something to the effect that it was too cloudy to see the sunset, knowing full well of course that the sun sets in the west and we were on the east coast, but it was too late. Kristy's gaffe was cemented. "Why is it we can't see a sunset on the east coast again Kristy?"

As we sat enjoying a cool breeze and some drinks, I mentioned the buoy at the edge of the swimming area was a nice touch. Chris corrected me and let me know that it was not a buoy, but a diving flag marking the spot where a diver was under the waves. I looked again and let him know I sure thought it looked like a buoy, but he insisted and I deferred to him given his status as a local.

The next day we hit Ft. Lauderdale beach for some fun in the sun. We took the water taxi on the intercoastal waterway and got off at Fat Tuesdays. The trip down the intercoastal was surreal. There were houses that were just redicerous. Some in the $100 million range. Our tour guide ticked off the listing prices and history of the area, not to mention the litany of famous people who owned them. Then there were the yahcts. Don't even get me started! One was a $14 mil ship given to a daughter as her 16th birthday present. We noticed a “for sale” sign on it, and just up the way was her new $30 mil beast. Seems the first was just not big enough. Chris at this point was actually starting to get mad. He kept saying, "look at that freaking house", only he didn't say "Freakin" (sorry, this is a family show).

So there we sat on the deck of Fat Tuesdays, overlooking A1A and counting the number of $70k and up cars that drove by. As Brandie glanced out over the water, guess what she saw? The diving flag turned out to be a buoy! We had some fun at Chris's expense for a while on this one! Gaffe number 2 for Chris...

After losing count of the expensive cars because there were too many to keep track of (seriously, I think Ft. Lauderdale has the largest amount of high priced cars per capita in the world), we headed down the beach to the world famous Elbow Room. I headed down to the beach and stuck my toes in the ocean. Can you believe I was the only one from our group to do that?

We had dinner at a couple of great restaurants, one was an Italian place called Buchas. This place was awesome! They took us through the kitchen on our way to our table (there was a table right in the kitchen as well, just in case you wanted to watch them make your dinner). The portions were massive. They had a "regular" and a "large" and it tells you right on the menu that regular feeds two and large feeds four. They were not kidding. I kept calling the place Bohica's which is an acronym for Bend Over Here It Comes Again.

The rest of the week was filled with relaxation by the pool, more fantastic meals at great restaurants and good times with good friends. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, so we boarded our plane and headed for Michigan. We were sad to leave, but looking forward to getting home to see our precious baby girl.

So, while I think that Ft. Lauderdale is the strip mall capital of the world, and the pace of life is a little faster than I would like, they make a strong case for being one of my favorite places in the world. Not quite ready to leave my beloved four seasons behind just yet, but you never know what the future holds.

Oh, and I bet I committed a verbal gaffe at some point, but that is the power of being the blogger, I don't have to remember what I did wrong! Also, Chris who normally does not get caught with many gaffes committed a record three whoppers this week. The crown jewel came when I was explaining what happens when I drink too much caffeine, I get heart palpitations. To which Chris responded, "You have a virgin baby circulatory system!" What? To be fair, he meant it to have a pause between virgin and baby, clearly not intending to link virginity to babies, but that did not stop us from ripping him for this one. So, virgins have week hearts huh?

Thanks so much Chris and Brandie for having us, and for the grandparents who split time taking care of our kids as well as the siblings who looked after pets. We had a blast, and hope to be back again soon!

Toes in the sand...

A couple weeks ago my wife and I had the privilege of visiting South Florida, and seeing some good friends of ours. Chris and Brandie are renting a nice little bungalow just outside of Ft. Lauderdale while they get re-acclimated to the area and look for a place to call their own.

These are our good friends who had moved to West Michigan for three years to be with his family and opened two franchise sandwich shops. Things did not work out, and they were sort of left holding the bag, so they moved back to where they belonged, close to family and out of the cold (lucky for us we get to visit!).

Here is part I of our week long visit:

It was so good to catch up with our friends and see a part of the state we had never been to, south and east. Man was it beautiful! The trip started with Brandie giving us a tour of the famous highway A1A, A.K.A. Beach Front Avenue (this is a line in one of Kristy's favorite rap songs from Vanilla Ice called "Ice Ice Baby"--That block was dead Yo, so I continued to a1a beachfront ave. We sang that the rest of the week).

We almost died twice in traffic, but were saved by Brandies expert South FL driving skills. People are crazy down there! We also noticed that there were no parking spots to be had, so we hit up one of Chris's favorite spots called Ricky's and had some wings and a cold beverage.

That night we got to see the restaurant that Chris manages called Anthony's Coal Fire Pizza. I highly recommend it! Great wings and pizza with a high class atmosphere at a budget friendly price.
http://www.anthonyscoalfiredpizza.com/
After he got home we went to a bar called Big Dawgs where the girls had something that resembled nachos...blech.

The next day we were up early and off to see the Keys. Man what a beautiful place. The ride down was long, but entertaining as we started in with our usual catching of each other in verbal gaffes (the most infamous and perhaps the one that started our obsession with teasing each other for gaffes was the first one ever two years ago. It was Brandie and it involved Bill Parcels, but it is not fit to print here). Chris was the first one caught. As he excitedly chronicled the history of the Key's he began to tell us how at least 50 presidents had visited. There was a moment of silence, then Kristy nailed him, "Uh, Chris, isn't Obama the 44th president?" The rest of the trip was filled with, "This is nice, and I’ll bet all 50 presidents enjoyed it!"

The houses were amazing, the atmosphere laid back, the water the most gorgeous colors of blues and greens I have ever seen (that includes Cancun, Jamaica, North Carolina and other parts of Florida). Our first stop was at Kokomo, as the Beach Boys would tell you, "In the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo. That's where we wanna go, to get away from it all."

It was "Bartenders Bash", a sort of spring break for the service industry people who were working serving drinks to the spring breakers a couple weeks before. There were painted on bathing suits, beads, sun and sand. What a way to unwind. The free beer stopped flowing early, so we "Kept on pursuing to the next stop", Key West!

What can I say about Key West? Well, Chris put it this way; it's like New Orleans without the smell. I have never been to NOLA, so I will defer to Chris, but man is this a great place. Duval St was the place to be. All of the bars had an open air feel, there was music being played by guys with guitars, the drinks were flowing, and the sun was shining. We had conch fritters and peel-n-eat shrimp at our first stop, Sloppy Joe's. Mmmmm delish!

As we were leaving I still had a beer in my hand. Not knowing the rules I thought I would head for the door and see what would happen. Sure enough, somebody stopped me. As I started to hand my beer over the man at the door stuck out a plastic cup. "Here is a cup to take your beer to go!" What? I think I love this place!

We wandered around, drinking beer, swapping stories, smoking cigars, and just having a blast. When we strolled into Rick's Cafe there was a man on stage with an acoustic guitar, and I headed straight for him. I negotiated my way on stage, but he would not let me play his guitar (he said it was a $9k instrument, so I don't blame him). I settled for singing while he played Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville, a classic favorite of my friends. When I was done he pointed out the live webcam feed and some viewers online were leaving flattering messages about my singing. Felt pretty good.

There we met a local named Andy. He was born in Key West, covered in hair and full of stories. He was a ladies’ man who told us about his most recent wife while hitting on the bar tender. What a guy.


We had a fantastic dinner out on the deck at Fogerty's. I had the freshest grouper I have ever tasted (ok, it was the first taste of grouper, but it was fresh!) and Chris insisted we try the key lime pie. That's good pie!

Later we stumbled into the Lazy Gecko where people were watching hockey and another guy was playing guitar. Almost immediately my friends informed him that I play guitar, and it was not long before I was on the stool in front of the mic. Someone shouted a request for House of the Rising Sun, so I started playing Margaritavile. At the end of a long day of drinking I could not remember anything else, so that was the end of my brief career as a performer in Key West.

The next morning we got a tip for a great little place to have breakfast. It was a little shack that had been around since the turn of the century, and yes, I bet all 50 presidents had breakfast there. The decor was eclectic, the food greasy spoon, and it was fantastic! We had mimosas to go with our omelets and corned beef hash.
After breakfast we hit the southernmost point of the continental U.S. for a photo op, did some shopping, and hit the road back home. What a great time.

Our begrudging departure from the Key's next...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Happily Ever After...Part III

We continue with the series of my semi-auto biographical memoir-ish story of my life as I recall it...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Happily Ever After


Part III:

We were all hanging out at the girls' favorite spot, the pool hall known as Ques-n-Brews. On the way back to the apartment, we were sitting in the back seat together, and she put her hand on my knee. Subtle, I know. But it was huge to me. I had been playing it cool, not wanting to push and scare her off, and not wanting to end up with just another empty relationship. It turns out, that was the only way this would have happened.

One night early on in the relationship, Kristy had made it clear to me what she thought of men. It was not pretty. I wanted to crawl into a hole, after first apologizing on behalf of my sex...morons. It seems that she had been through quite a lot of creeps, idiots, and downright jerks on her journey to me. I already looked great in comparison, but it was clear that she was not ready to have another relationship.

She was nothing like anyone I had ever met. She held a power over me so great that I would have back stroked my way across Lake Michigan just to spend five minutes with her. I was fascinated by her, and in awe of her intelligence. She had the world so figured out. She knew what she was all about.

Suddenly I had a reason to straighten myself out. I wanted to be with her, but I knew there was no way she would give me a second thought if I didn’t make some changes. I had to get a job, figure out this debt problem, and stop acting like a fool. Most importantly, I had to decide who I was as a person. What my values were.

Our first official date happened in May of 2001. I was back in Adrian visiting my folks over at my Aunt and Uncles house, Lonnie and Jim. I called Kristy and told her I was going to be passing by her place and wondered if she would like to hang out. This phone call brought much amusement to my family and they gave me the obligatory, “Oooooh, Randy has a date!” tease.

It was a double date of sorts, with my wife’s best friend and her brother who was in town from Penn St. I met everyone in my wife’s Battle Creek apartment. We went mini golfing and had lunch at the Big Boy on the corner. I was still playing it safe and not pushing things. I think she started to wonder if I would ever make a move. This would be evident on the next visit.

I visited her at her apartment a while later and it was starting to become obvious that there was interest on both sides, but again I was playing it safe. I had already gained so much from an intellectual sense and I did not want to screw anything up. As I was getting ready to say goodbye and head to Kalamazoo, Kristy asked me what I was waiting for.

We stood at my car in the parking lot of her apartment and I started to get in when she looked at me and sort of nonchalantly said, “So, are you ever going to kiss me or what?” I could not back down now, but I was nervous after being put on the spot. I leaned over to kiss her, gave her a sort of peck on the lips, the kind normally reserved for relatives, then I climbed in my car and sped off.

“You idiot!” I thought to myself on the drive home. I knew I had just blown it. No way would she be interested in me now.

Let me get back to a concept I touched on earlier. I was feeling down about myself and I had just ended my engagement, although I had not really a clear idea as to why. Something told me it was the right thing for me to do, but if someone wanted a quick one line explanation, I could not have given it to them.

Things were fine on the surface. We got along well. No fighting to speak of. Yet, something was stirring within me. I was about to commit the rest of my life to this woman, and I needed to be sure that was what I wanted. I didn’t want to lose her, but I was never completely sure that I wanted to be with her. I owed her for helping me out of my shell, but something just felt off.

Throughout my life I had always done what other people told me I should do. Most of my childhood was spent doing anything I could to please loved ones. I hardly ever got out of line. Sure, I had a problem focusing in school sometimes, but I was a kid. When I met Hollie, I was all too eager to please.

If she wanted to go somewhere I went. If she wanted us to buy something, we bought it. If there was a party…you get the idea. I had to perfect the art of excuses and sometimes downright lies to my parents in an effort to keep up with her. Later my brother would describe this syndrome as being “hooked on the cat”.

Naturally, when Hollie decided it was time that we got married, I was all too happy to go along with it. Granted, I had some reservations, but she soon overcame those. More like, beat me into submission with endless talk and visits to the jewelry store to pick out the ring. So one day, I just bought it. Right there in the mall, just outside of Zales Jewlers, I got on one knee and asked her to marry me. That ought to buy me some time I thought.

We began the tour. Visiting everyone we knew to show off the ring. I remember clearly when we caught up with my parents eating lunch with Uncle Jim and Aunt Lonnie in a pub called “Mr. Ed’s” in downtown Adrian.

“We have an announcement” I said. There was a large deep breath in and a long pause of dead silence. The look on my parents face was one of disguised shock. You could sort of read their thoughts. “Were smiling so you know we are happy for you, but what are you doing?”

Aunt Lonnie was the first to break the silence. She stood up and hugged us both. We sat down and finished the meal with them. Something just felt wrong to me, but I did not know what it was. Still, I felt like there was a long time between the ring and the isle, so I would figure out what was bothering me in due time.

At this point, I came to two distinct conclusions. The first was made clear that next summer when I was back from college working for a government funded youth work skills training program. A girl with a short skirt had caught my eye. I resisted as much as I could, not wanting to hurt my fiancé, but I longed to experience what life had to offer. I am not proud of myself, but I just had to investigate further. Soon I became the type of person I detested. I was sneaking out at night to meet this new girl. I could not help myself. I never slept with her, although I wanted to.

The second thing was me. I did not know who I was outside of my relationship with Hollie. I had supplanted other people’s values and desires for my own. I never really sat and thought, “What do I want out of life?” Once I did that, I knew that I needed to distance myself from her if I was ever going to find an answer.

It was a tough transition to make. I hated to hurt her, but I had to find out who I was. Maybe my future did involve her, and if it did then I would end up back with her. If it didn’t, then I would have been doing her, myself and our families a huge disservice by staying put and preparing for a wedding I did not even really want.

So, that fall, as we drove back to Western with our belongings in tow, I told Hollie it was over...

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