Before we had children my wife and I thought of our marriage
as strong, if not the strongest one we knew of. We watched as friends and
family entered and exited matrimony with shouting, petty squabbling, and an
absence of the strong bond and commitment that we seem to have. Nothing could
end that feeling for us, right? We have such a strong bond that nothing could
ever strain us. Not even...becoming parents. Right?
It was a fast and fun time in our lives. We had the world in
the palm of our hands. No worries. Want to go out for drinks? Lets go! Want to
take a spur of the moment trip to the family cabin? Sure! We didn't have money
to burn, but we had enough to entertain ourselves without too much worry.
Nothing in our lives prevented us from seeing each other, spending time
together, dedicating all of our waking hours of free time together, or spending
our free time sleeping in. How could we have known just how different our lives
would become in a few short years?
I can recall the conversations we had as we began planning
our family. “Just because we have kids, doesn't mean we can't still go out and
have fun” we would say. “We're not going to be one of those couples who
instantly seems old after they have kids...” we would say. Sure, we knew things
would change a little. The obvious things were there, but we (well at least I)
had no idea about the subtle changes.
Fast forward almost five years and two kids later, and we
still have a strong marriage. Still one of the strongest I have ever known. We
just didn't get here the way I thought we would. You see, not only do we have
less time and money, but we have less energy and our desires have changed. When
you do finally have some free time, really all you can think about is vegging
out in front of the tube, or even just going to bed. Suddenly, Friday night is
just another weeknight for us (remember, someone will be getting up at sunrise
Saturday to make breakfast, change diapers, and watch the Disney channel. Don't
try that with a hangover).
So how then do you keep the fire alive in your marriage? It
comes down to small things. Effort. Focus. Dedication. You may have had an easy
time before kids finding ways to show your spouse how much they mean to you.
Now, you have to dig deep and reserve energy for them. Find a moment in between
cleaning vomit and calming a crying child to compliment your significant other
on something. Plan an adult outing in advance, but learn that going to a club
to drink through the wee hours is probably not an option or even all that
appealing anymore.
In my opinion we have altered how we get there, but we still
have the same amount of passion in our marriage. It's different now, but
somehow still the same. We traded bar night for movie night. Spur of the moment
outings with friends for board games and good conversations. Yet we still make
it out once in a while to a ball game, a bar, or an outing with friends. It's
just that we usually find ourselves going to dinner and drinks that still get
us home and in bed before midnight. Things shifted, but didn't dry up.
The takeaway from this I suppose is that you can't lose sight
of who you were before you had kids. You will evolve, there will be changes,
but fight hard to make sure your spouse still comes first once in a while.
Schedule date nights and carry forward that intense love and commitment that
lead you to this blissful life you have. Take care of one another and keep the
fire burning. Just maybe not so late into the night...
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